Disappointment

A few weeks ago I found myself seizing an opportunity, and applying to be part of an expedition in Sudan scheduled for August/September this year. Much to my surprise I was accepted to be part of the team! The combination of excitement and dread that filled my heart is impossible to explain, and resulted in numerous nights of bad sleep as a result, but one thing I was certain of - I was finally going to be able to be part of something truly significant. An experience that is quite literally the once in a lifetime kind. We were scheduled to be the FIRST.

Now, we aren't scheduled at all...

I read the mail saying that the expedition had been cancelled this morning, and my heart broke within my chest. Where every part of me that has ever been comfortable had been raging against the idea of taking on this kind of expedition, there was now a gaping hole and sense of loss. I thought that there would be a sense of relief. But there is nothing of the sort. I am simply left with the true taste of disappointment.

I despise this feeling. The last time I felt it this badly was when they send me down, instead of up to the summit, on Kilimanjaro with Pulmonary Oedema. Bitter is the best way to describe disappointment I think, because it really does feel like the contents of your gallbladder have been deposited in to your mouth.A taste that no amount of wine (although I am willing to give it a try) will remove.

Logic is telling me that it is for the best (somehow) and that I still have other adventures on my list in the immediate future. For example I am going to Mozambique in 2 weeks to do training on entrepreneurship and finances with school leavers and small business owners. And as exciting and worthwhile as that is, not even that can take this taste in my mouth away.

Perhaps it is because I had too high hopes for the Sudan expedition. Perhaps if I had hoped for less from it, I wouldn't be this disappointed. I have friends who have told me that they are proud of me for applying in the 1st place, and that they think that just the act of doing so was a huge thing to do. And while I admit that my heart raced a bit faster as I clicked on the submit button, it was only when I got the approval that the fear set in, and told me that this adventure would be beyond everything that I had previoulsy known. This adventure would be significant...

May be it already was - in a way that I cannot yet see.

But today; today my journey is disappointing.